Bernie and I went with Kristina, Derrick and girls to Cuba March 26 - April 2, 2018. We went to Varadero, Pinar del Rio and Havana and everyone loved it. The girls were comfortable and affectionate with my family and my family fell in love with them.
It was a hard trip for me. I could not get Charlie out of my head the entire time. I kept thinking about what he was missing. How much he would have loved to spend this time with his sister and the girls. I felt he cheated these girls of a wonderful uncle and cheated the rest of us of his presence. It just HURT. You know?
Everything we did I felt him there. I felt him hurting that he could not be with us. I'm sure that is just all in my head but that's the way I felt. And the guilt. Oh the guilt. I wonder if I am ever going to be able to enjoy something without feeling guilty that I am enjoying my life while my son is dead. It's an internal battle that keep me from just being in the moment.
My word for this year - acceptance - is bittersweet for these reasons. I know that finding acceptance will release me from his spider web of pain I am stuck in, but it also makes me feel guilty that I am looking for acceptance instead of grieving my son. I need to reconcile these feelings to where I can do both - accept my son's death and grieve him at the same time.
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